The News

On some days, a lot of stuff happens. On some days, not that much stuff happens. Either way, when you turn on the 5 o’clock news, they give you 30 minutes worth of news. You flip it on one day, and they’re talking about the Cubs winning the World Series, and your local government declaring bankruptcy, and Neil Armstrong coming back to life and flying to Uranus, and the President getting really drunk and selling Wyoming to Uzbekistan. Then another day, the news has to fill up another half hour, and they’ve got nothing. No legitimate news. So what they do is, they send a reporter out on the street, and he spends five minutes talking about something that no in their right mind should spend one second listening to. “Clarissa. I’m here on Oak Street in the San Fernando Valley, where dozens of local residents have noticed something truly astounding: there’s an entire bunch of bananas lying on the sidewalk. Estimates for the the number of bananas have ranged from five all the way to six, and the consensus is that the bananas are just hours away from ripening. These bananas have sparked outrage among the community’s Latino voters, and pretty much everyone else as well, being that Latino voters and non-Latino non-voters have a similar attitude towards a bunch of bananas on a sidewalk.”

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