Mr. T

(Guest Post by Huckleberry J. Shawshank)

Mr. T trains alone, and he wears 150 pounds of gold chains at all times, including during sex, except for when he’s on top. Mr. T drives a tank to work, and he thinks The View is the most fucked up TV show in TV history. He was born in Antarctica, and he never votes for Democrats. His punching power has been measured at 21,250 pounds per square inch, and his kick your ass power has been measured at 1.21 jigawatts. He can also type at 387 words per minute. No keyboard can withstand the typing speed of Mr. T.

When Mr. T plays Pac-Man, after he finishes eating the four ghosts on the screen, he leaves the screen at eats the ghosts in the movie Ghostbusters. Also, Mr. T’s body is made of titanium and the Constitution. And Mr. T prints out his own currency that’s backed by badassness instead of gold. After all, all gold belong to Mr. T. So if Mr. T gives you his currency, that doesn’t mean you own gold. It means Mr. T owns gold. By the way–if you don’t accept Mr. T’s currency, he’ll beat the shit out of you. Because like I said earlier, Mr. T’s currency is backed by badassness only.

Do you think Mr. T drinks lowfat milk? Are you kidding me? He forces cows to add extra fat to their milk. In other words, he drinks milk that’s wholer than whole milk. He drinks the wholest milk in the world.

The whiskey Mr. T drinks is 800 proof. That means it’s 400% alcohol–which, mathematically makes no sense, which actually does make sense, because when Mr. T sees math, he kicks the shit out of numbers. That’s how you make alcohol percentages go past 100%, and all the way to 400%. By kicking the shit out of numbers the way Mr. T does.

Mr. T has knocked out Rocky Balboa 15 times. Not just one time. If you think it’s one time, it’s because you haven’t seen the movies Rocky 3 and a Half, Rocky 4 and a Half, and Rocky 5 and a Half. In those movies, Mr. T just beats the shit our of Rocky the entire time. Rocky is a great American–which means Mr. T is the greatest American of all time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s