Political Debates and Speedos

(Guest Post by Suzanne Coughlin)

If you want to make your way in the world, it’s important to wear the right clothes. For instance, if you’re a guy and you want to be President, don’t show up to a debate wearing pink Speedos and a dog leash. Wear a suit. A suit that sends the message, “I am a legitimate candidate. Don’t focus on how I bankrupted my state as its governor. That’s not important. What’s important is that I’m wearing a tie and shiny shoes, and I don’t even own a single pair of Speedos. Go check my closet.” Clothes are so important, that a good politician in Speedos would lose to an intoxicated hyena in a suit. CNN is projecting the hyena to win 48 states. As for the guy in Speedos, he’s gonna get Hawaii and Utah.

I watch political debates–but I’m not good at watching them. What I mean is, those debates throw me off, because they never turn out the way I expect. One candidate is emphatic on how we need to lower taxes. Then the other candidate is even more emphatic on how we don’t need to lower taxes. At that point, I expect the first guy to say, “Well. That does it for me. I’m wrong. After all, my opponent is very convinced that he’s right. Remember when he was all like, ‘High taxes are better!'” Very few political debates are like that. Here’s what most of them are like. One candidate presents an idea. And then the other person says, “Well. After hearing Governor Thompson’s high tax argument, now I’m even more convinced that he’s a complete idiot.” Whenever I finish watching a debate, I don’t know if I should vote for the guy who thinks he’s right, or the other guy who thinks he’s right. Maybe those debates should have some kind of a swimsuit round. I’ll vote for the guy who doesn’t wear Speedos.”

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