Mr. T

(Guest Post by Huckleberry J. Shawshank)

Mr. T trains alone, and he wears 150 pounds of gold chains at all times, including during sex, except for when he’s on top. Mr. T drives a tank to work, and he thinks The View is the most fucked up TV show in TV history. He was born in Antarctica, and he never votes for Democrats. His punching power has been measured at 21,250 pounds per square inch, and his kick your ass power has been measured at 1.21 jigawatts. He can also type at 387 words per minute. No keyboard can withstand the typing speed of Mr. T.

When Mr. T plays Pac-Man, after he finishes eating the four ghosts on the screen, he leaves the screen at eats the ghosts in the movie Ghostbusters. Also, Mr. T’s body is made of titanium and the Constitution. And Mr. T prints out his own currency that’s backed by badassness instead of gold. After all, all gold belong to Mr. T. So if Mr. T gives you his currency, that doesn’t mean you own gold. It means Mr. T owns gold. By the way–if you don’t accept Mr. T’s currency, he’ll beat the shit out of you. Because like I said earlier, Mr. T’s currency is backed by badassness only.

Do you think Mr. T drinks lowfat milk? Are you kidding me? He forces cows to add extra fat to their milk. In other words, he drinks milk that’s wholer than whole milk. He drinks the wholest milk in the world.

The whiskey Mr. T drinks is 800 proof. That means it’s 400% alcohol–which, mathematically makes no sense, which actually does make sense, because when Mr. T sees math, he kicks the shit out of numbers. That’s how you make alcohol percentages go past 100%, and all the way to 400%. By kicking the shit out of numbers the way Mr. T does.

Mr. T has knocked out Rocky Balboa 15 times. Not just one time. If you think it’s one time, it’s because you haven’t seen the movies Rocky 3 and a Half, Rocky 4 and a Half, and Rocky 5 and a Half. In those movies, Mr. T just beats the shit our of Rocky the entire time. Rocky is a great American–which means Mr. T is the greatest American of all time.

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Political Debates and Speedos

(Guest Post by Suzanne Coughlin)

If you want to make your way in the world, it’s important to wear the right clothes. For instance, if you’re a guy and you want to be President, don’t show up to a debate wearing pink Speedos and a dog leash. Wear a suit. A suit that sends the message, “I am a legitimate candidate. Don’t focus on how I bankrupted my state as its governor. That’s not important. What’s important is that I’m wearing a tie and shiny shoes, and I don’t even own a single pair of Speedos. Go check my closet.” Clothes are so important, that a good politician in Speedos would lose to an intoxicated hyena in a suit. CNN is projecting the hyena to win 48 states. As for the guy in Speedos, he’s gonna get Hawaii and Utah.

I watch political debates–but I’m not good at watching them. What I mean is, those debates throw me off, because they never turn out the way I expect. One candidate is emphatic on how we need to lower taxes. Then the other candidate is even more emphatic on how we don’t need to lower taxes. At that point, I expect the first guy to say, “Well. That does it for me. I’m wrong. After all, my opponent is very convinced that he’s right. Remember when he was all like, ‘High taxes are better!'” Very few political debates are like that. Here’s what most of them are like. One candidate presents an idea. And then the other person says, “Well. After hearing Governor Thompson’s high tax argument, now I’m even more¬†convinced that he’s a complete idiot.” Whenever I finish watching a debate, I don’t know if I should vote for the guy who thinks he’s right, or the other¬†guy who thinks he’s right. Maybe those debates should have some kind of a swimsuit round. I’ll vote for the guy who doesn’t wear Speedos.”