High Fructose Cookie Dough

(Guest Post by Jerry Guldenstein)

I don’t even bother reading nutrition labels anymore. Riboflavin, trans fat, saturated fat, glucose, fructose, gluten, organic, mechanic, Metallica, Guns N’ Roses–I don’t care. I’m 58 years old. I just eat food. You want to put fructose in it? Fine. I don’t need to know any details about the fructose. High fructose, low fructose. Whatever.

Let me tell you the secret of effective dieting. All you really need to focus on is not eating like a fat ass. Fuck the nutrition labels. The only diet that really works is the Don’t Eat Like a Fat Ass Diet. It’s a diet that has one rule. When you’re full, stop eating.

People don’t follow that rule. Instead, they eat a snack food known as donut holes. An entire donut hole industry sprung up, because people saw a hole in the middle of their donuts, and they were dissatisfied with that lack of food. They said, “I want to eat the hole, too.” The donut industry said, “A hole is a hole. It’s not food.” And the public was like, “You better turn it into food! When I get up in the morning, i want to eat a nice, balanced, nutritious breakfast of donut holes and cookie dough.”

I think eating cookie dough is one step away from injecting fat directly into your ass. In fact, I think the FDA should require cookie dough sellers to change the name from cookie dough to ass fat. As in, you go to Safeway, and you pick a up a quart of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Ass Fat ice cream.